


Game Night (Bet)

by unoriginal_liz



Series: lwd himym au of doom [3]
Category: Life with Derek
Genre: AU, F/M, Inspired by How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-14
Updated: 2012-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7481595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_liz/pseuds/unoriginal_liz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“A <i>stalker</i>?” Casey said.  “Who would stalk <i>you</i>?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Game Night (Bet)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the episode Game Night (even though there are no games in this story). Also parts of Slap Bet (even though there is no slapping in this story).

**_“…so, where was I?”_**

**_“You were telling us about how you and Aunt Casey started hanging out…and grossing us out with stories about how she tried to pimp you out to all her friends.”_ **

**_“Seriously, Dad – can’t you just…skip ahead? To the part where you actually meet Mom?”_ **

**_“I could do that. Or I could keep going…and you guys could finally find out what the deal was with your Uncle Derek. It’s your call.”_ **

**_“Skip ahead.”_ **

**_“Skip ahead.”_ **

**_“…yeah…I actually can’t skip ahead.”_ **

**_ “Dad!” _ **

**_“You two need to know this stuff, because meeting your mom wasn’t as simple as your typical ‘boy meets girl’ story. There were a lot of subtle forces involved, slowly and carefully working to make sure everything was coming together, aligning for maximum effect, so that when I finally did meet your mother, it was a moment I’d never forget._ **

**_Besides, if I skip this story, you’re going to get the wrong idea about the time I broke your Uncle Derek’s nose.”_ **

**_“You broke Uncle Derek’s nose?!”_ **

**_“Don’t worry – we’ll get to that. But first…okay, so since your Aunt Casey had become a part of our group, she had introduced me to a lot of girls. Great girls. Girls who were ambitious, smart, looking for the deeper meaning in their lives…girls who were a lot like Casey, to be honest._ **

**_But, a couple months later, when I found myself in what was shaping up to be a serious relationship, it wasn’t with one of those girls. It was with the wedding planner I’d met when our friends Ralph and Amanda got married._ **

**_Her name was Kendra, and she was…different. In a good way. She told me to ask her out…so I did. And then, a couple of weeks later, she told me that she wanted to be exclusive. So…we were exclusive._ **

**_Don’t get me wrong – she was great. But for some reason, Casey didn’t seem thrilled that I was dating her. I thought maybe it was because she wanted me to pick one of her friends.”_ **

**_“Oh, Dad.”_ **

**_“Yeah. I know. I was an idiot. Anyway – we were all at the bar, when” –_ **

 

*****

 

“ – see, when he told me the bride was a _dog_ , I didn’t think he meant an _actual dog_. But it worked out okay – Poochie Heaven does overnight shipping.” Kendra sat back and smiled.

“Wow – that’s an amazing story.” Sheldon shook his head, and turned to Sam. “Hold on to this one,” he said. “She’s really something.”

Casey took a long, loud swallow of her drink, and Emily swiftly changed the subject, saying, “Hey, Derek – you know that party I went to last night? I was talking to the host, and it turns out she knows you.”

“Since she’s female and probably under fifty – I fail to see how this is _news_ ,” Casey said, falling into the usual Derek-baiting with relief.

“She said you both went to the same college. Her name is Sal” –

“ _Sally_?” Derek sat bolt upright. “Sally?” He cleared his throat and settled back into his seat. “That’s…no – I don’t remember a…Sally, did you say?”

“That’s funny,” Emily said slowly, eyes fixed on Derek, “because she knew who you were right away” –

“That’s not funny – it’s disgusting and yet totally in-character that Derek would completely blank when it comes to remembering his conquests…emphasis on the _con_ ,” Casey said. She smiled sharply, and he raised his glass in her direction, as if she had toasted him.

“As a matter of fact,” Emily said, still looking closely at Derek, “I said we were meeting up here tonight, and she told me she might stop by.”

“You did _what_?” Derek demanded. 

“I” –

“You need to call her, right now,” he said, fumbling with Emily’s cell phone, which was on the bar table. “Call her, and tell her the meeting is off.”

Sam frowned. “Dude – aren’t you being a little…extreme?”

“Yeah – you said you don’t even remember her,” Sheldon chimed in.

“Well, I just had a flashback,” Derek said. “She’s a stalker.”

 

*****

 

**_Kids, you might think that ‘Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen,’ is just an expression. Well, for your Uncle Derek, it was a life-philosophy. And it was a life-philosophy that…actually seemed to work for him._ **

**_Of course, it was a life-philosophy that also meant he had to move apartments more often than a regular person, but most of the time, he seemed okay with it._ **

“A _stalker_?” Casey said. “Who would stalk _you_?”

“So far – a cosmetologist, a court reporter, and a dental hygienist,” Sheldon said. 

Casey stared. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Stalking is a serious crime,” Sheldon said, blinking censoriously. “It doesn’t really lend itself to comedy.”

Casey was unable to let it go. “Okay – but…why would anyone stalk _Derek_?”

Sam shrugged. “Our best guess – dangerously low self-esteem. Put it together with a chronic need to please, and a guy who’s never satisfied and bam, you’ve got a mix that produces instant stalker.”

“Or anecdotal proof that mental instability is more prevalent than people think,” Casey muttered. She squinted at Derek as if assessing his stalkable potential, and wrinkled her nose.

“Are you sure?” Emily asked. “Because she really didn’t seem the type.”

“Yes I’m sure,” Derek insisted through gritted teeth. “I’m sure that that chick made my college life a living hell, so you need to call her _right now_ , and call off the meet-n-greet.”

“I…can’t,” Emily told him, apologetically. She gave a half-hearted wave over his shoulder and he tensed.

“Don’t tell me” –

“ – she’s already here.”

A pretty blonde made her way over to their table, stopping by Derek’s chair. He stared down at his glass and didn’t acknowledge her.

“Derek?” she said. “Derek? Hey – it’s me. Oh my god – it’s been such a long time! How have you been?”

He turned in his chair and stared up at her blankly. “Do I know you?” he asked.

She seemed disconcerted. “Sally. It’s Sally. From…college?”

He shook his head. “You’re going to have to be more specific. I knew a lot of Sallys in college.”

She raised her eyebrows, and said, “Well, I’m the Sally you dated for six months.”

“Six months?” Emily whispered.

“She _must_ be crazy,” Sam agreed. 

“Not ringing a bell,” Derek told her.

“The one you wrote love songs to? And planned to tour Europe with? And – and – you’re really going to pretend you don’t know me?”

“Love songs?” Casey hissed.

“Do you think she has a weapon?” Sheldon asked, squinting at her purse.

“Who says I’m pretending?” Derek said. Then, as if he couldn’t help himself, “And it was one song, by the way. Just one.” 

The group traded confused looks. 

Sally crossed her arms. “Wow. That’s…really mature Derek. Just – wow.”

There was an awkward silence during which no-one spoke, and the tension ratcheted up and up as Derek calmly sipped his drink, and Sally stared at him, clearly waiting for him to break.

However, he wasn’t the one who cracked.

“So – Sally…you went to college with Derek” –

Derek smoothly cut in with an, “Allegedly.”

“…that’s um…so…what have you been doing…since?” Sam asked.

Throwing a sideways glance at Derek, she very deliberately sat down in the booth and smiled at Sam.

“Well, I run my own business. Nothing big or fancy, but I like it. And I just got engaged.”

“Patrick?” Derek asked.

“So you do remember some things,” Sally said mildly. They stared at each other for a moment before Derek broke eye contact and went back to examining his drink, feigning unawareness of Sally’s continued scrutiny.

“Fine,” she said finally. “I thought – I really thought we could…I don’t know – talk. Like reasonable human beings. I know I didn’t always handle things well, but we used to be friends, remember?”

“Okay, now I’m back to wondering whether she knows him at all,” Casey said. “I mean – _Derek_ …reasonable?”

“You know something?” Sally said, as she got to her feet, “When I walked in the door, I recognized you immediately. You look exactly like the guy I used to know in college. But you’re not. You’ve really changed. I wish I could say it was for the better, but…” 

She looked around the table. “I’m sorry, Emily. And – everyone else…I’m sure it would have been nice to meet you. Goodbye, Derek. Say hi to Marti and Edwin for me.”

With the exception of one person, everyone’s eyes remained riveted to Sally as she left…and then, almost as one, snapped back to Derek. 

“So – who’s getting the next round?” he asked, face bland under the scrutiny of his friends.

“Um – aren’t you going to explain that?” Emily asked, sweeping her hand in the direction Sally had exited.

Derek shrugged. “What’s there to explain? She’s a crazy stalker.”

“Who claims to have dated you for six months,” Sheldon pointed out.

“She _stalked_ me for six months,” Derek corrected. “She’s a crazy stalker. They’re not exactly known for telling the truth.”

“But then, neither are you,” Casey pointed out.

“She was wearing Ella Moss,” Kendra said. “High quality. It doesn’t seem like the brand of a stalker.”

“And what was that about writing love songs?” Sam asked.

“She wrote me some love songs. That’s the kind of thing stalkers do,” Derek said. He sighed, because the faces around the booth didn’t seem appeased. “Fine. Okay.” He turned to Sam. “Remember when I used to play guitar?”

 

*****

 

**_Apparently your Uncle Derek played some guitar in college. In the campus coffee shop mostly. Anyway, one night, he finished a set and when everyone else was gone…_ **

_Derek turned around. His jaw dropped at the sight of a familiar looking blonde girl holding his guitar. “Hi,” she said. “I’m Sally. I’m your biggest fan.” She strummed her left hand against the strings of the guitar. “I come to all your sessions. I even wrote you a song. Want to hear it?”_

_Derek nodded._

“Totally _naked_?” Emily asked.

**_…you know kids, I actually can’t remember what Derek said happened._ **

“Well, she had a pick around her neck,” Derek offered.

**_Nope – still nothing. I’m sure it wasn’t important, anyway._ **

“Wow, that’s crazy,” Emily said.

“And unhygienic,” Sheldon said. “I mean, in an establishment that serves food, a hairnet really isn’t a lot to ask.”

Derek inclined his head in agreement at Emily’s words, but said, “Though, to be fair, she didn’t really get weird until I slept with her. 

“You still _slept_ with her?” Casey asked. “What’s that word I’m looking for? Oh wait, I have it. _Ew_.”

“I have to agree,” Sheldon said. “That’s a major health-code violation right there – what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking there was a naked girl holding my guitar,” Derek said. He stopped. “Literally _and_ metaphorically. But then she turned out to be a crazy stalker, so…” He took a sip of his drink and a silence descended over the group.

Until Sheldon said, “Waitaminute – you agreed with Sally that _you_ wrote the love-songs.”

“I was humoring her,” Derek said. “And it was just _one_ song – one. Why does everyone keep forgetting that?”

“So you were humoring her…at the same time as you were ignoring her?” Emily asked.

“It’s a strategy,” Derek said.

“Yeah – one that makes no sense,” Casey pointed out. “And how do _you_ know the name of the guy she’s engaged to?”

“Again – _crazy stalker_ ,” Derek said, ignoring Casey’s question. “Not really known for keeping things sane. So, can we just drop this?”

“And why is she getting married in the first place, if she’s your stalker?” Emily asked. 

“At the very least, it lacks dedication,” Sheldon agreed. “I mean, what kind of slacker stalker takes time off from being obsessed? That's crazy.”

Derek didn’t answer.

“Dude – are you embarrassed?” Sam asked suddenly.

Derek turned to him. “What” –

“You are,” Sam said. “You’re embarrassed.”

“Yeah, I’m not embarrassed.”

“You’re totally embarrassed,” Sam said. “That is exactly the same look you had that time you got caught in the Home Ec Room with Molly McKenzie and that mixing bowl full of” –

“Okay, fine,” Derek said. “It’s a little embarrassing.”

Everyone leaned forward, but he didn’t seem willing to elaborate.

“And?” Emily hinted.

“And I’ve just admitted it was embarrassing. I’m not going to explain it.”

“But that’s not fair,” Kendra said.

“Derek – we’re here for you,” Sheldon said. “And as a friend, you have can share your embarrassing stories without censure or mockery. You have that right.” He reached out and covered Derek’s hand with his own.

“I also have the right to remain silent,” Derek pointed out, pulling his hand away.

“Don’t you trust us?” Sheldon asked.

“Not near anything electrical,” Derek said. He rolled his eyes at Sheldon’s hurt face, and said, “Face it – no-one shares their humiliation if they can avoid it.”

“That’s not true,” Casey said. “Real friendship is about sharing and unconditional acceptance. And maybe if you talked about your embarrassment, you’d see that.”

“Not going to happen.”

Emily burst out with, “But we really want to know!” before softening it with, “…as concerned friends.”

Derek stared up at the ceiling, unmoved.

“Maybe Derek needs a demonstration,” Sheldon said. “Sam?”

“What?” Sam said. “Why me?”

“You’re Derek’s best friend,” Sheldon said. “You have a special bond – if anyone can convince him, it’s you.”

“…I don’t know,” Sam said.

“Hmm, that’s _funny_ ,” Derek observed. “Sam doesn’t seem to be jumping at the chance to share his humiliation.”

Sam shrank under the force of everyone’s glares. “Okay, fine,” he said. “When I was fourteen” –

“Um, yeah…you’re not going to buy my humiliation with stale material,” Derek said. “Something fresh, please.”

Sam sighed. “Okay.” He turned to Kendra, and said, “This isn’t really the way I wanted to tell you this, but…a couple of months ago I kind of – had a crush on Casey.”

“Wow.” Kendra rubbed his shoulder. “That is really embarrassing. You poor thing. I can see why you’d want to keep that under wraps.”

Casey glared.

“That’s…not the humiliating bit,” Sam said.

“Oh.” Kendra removed her hand from his shoulder. “Whoops. Silly me. Knee-jerk reaction. Go on.”

Sam looked at Casey. “Um…anyway, remember that time you said you really liked French accents?”

“Yeah,” she said, seeming confused.

“Well, I rented a bunch of French films, and decided to…learn some French.”

“You did?” Casey said. “That’s…really sweet.”

“It would have been,” Sam admitted. “If it had worked. Unfortunately, all I learned is that French films make me sleepy. So – I got a subliminal French tape, and a French for Beginners book. I really thought I was getting somewhere, until I tested it out. I asked this girl in my office who’s fluent, out to a French restaurant for lunch. You know – to evaluate my performance. It…didn’t exactly go well. First of all, she kind of got the wrong idea about lunch.”

_“This is such an expensive restaurant, Sam. You know, when you said you wanted to take me to dinner, I had no idea you would go to so much effort. I’m impressed.”_

_“Merci.”_

_“So – let’s try this place out.”_

_“Oui, ca m’excite!”_

_She stared at him. “Really? I mean, it’s a nice place, but…we haven’t even been seated yet.”_

“Apparently,” Sam said, “Instead of telling her I was looking forward to it…I told her that I was…sexually aroused. I managed to explain that, but later on…”

_“Une omelette – bien. Et pour vous, monsieur?”_

_Sam studied the menu. “Connard, sil vous plait.”_

_His date leaned over. “FYI – you just called our waiter a bastard.”_

“Then, when the waiter came back for our dessert orders, I made the mistake of saying I was full. Only, I didn’t say I was full, I said…”

_“Non. Je suis plein, merci.”_

_The waiter examined him. “Bien. And congratulations. When does the baby arrive?”_

“My date didn’t really find it so funny. She said some stuff I couldn’t translate and left me to settle the bill. After that, I decided to stick with English.”

Casey smiled softly at him. “I would have been impressed.”

Sam smiled back.

Emily turned to Derek. “That was embarrassing for Sam – and he shared it.” She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

“Okay,” Derek said with bad grace. “Maybe the story went more like…”

 

*****

 

**_Kids, this time, the story your Uncle Derek told was completely different to that other story I still can’t remember._ **

_“ – so, I was thinking – you, me…moving beyond this – this,” Derek said, gesturing between them._

_“Oh. I feel your frustration, Derek, but boob-touching is a special privilege, reserved for those who prove themselves worthy.” She waved over the waiter._

_“And how would I do that, again?”_

_“I don’t know. That’s a question only you can answer. But – if I were you? I’d start by writing me a love-song.” She smiled up at the waiter. “Check, please. You’re paying for this, right?”_

 

*****

 

“…she was a goal-changer,” Derek said.

“A what?”

“You know, one of those girls who flirts with you, but keeps changing the rules so she never has to put out? You know,” he affected a breathy voice, “‘ _I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but…oh, those earrings are cute. If a guy bought those for me, I would love him forever!’”_

He mimed opening a box. “‘ _Ohmigosh…you bought me those earrings I loved! How sweet! But…I’m sure you realize when I said I’d love the guy who bought those for me forever…I was speaking in a platonic sense, right? Ooh, did you see there’s a new restaurant opening downtown? I would love to eat there. If a guy asked me to go there, it would be the best first date ever!’”_

“It was really lame and obvious, but…she was really hot, and I really wanted to see her boobs. She ended up stringing me along for six months – and I even wrote her a song. Well – actually…I paid some dweeb named Patrick to write it for me.”

_“‘Oh, I like the way you sneeze/And your really knobby knees/Oh, I like the way you smell/When you call me on my cell/Oh, I like the way you laugh/And you help me do my math…’”_

_“Wow. Derek. I asked you to write me a love-song…and you wrote me a love-song. That is so sweet. So, anyway, have you seen they’re selling tickets for the Christmas Ball?”_

“Okay…in this instance, I think I’m with Sally. Those lyrics are terrible,” Casey said.

“Hey, money was tight,” Derek defended. “I was spending it all trying to get to second base.”

“I think you’re being too hard on him,” Sheldon agreed. “I mean, not everyone can be as lyrical as you. ‘Your smile shows your heart/Your eyes share your soul’.”

Casey went pale. 

“What?” Emily said.

“Casey’s song ‘Two Halves that Make a Whole’,” Sheldon said. “I’m sure I mentioned it to you before.”

“Well I’m sure you didn’t,” Emily said. “You wrote a song, Casey?”

“Not just a song,” Sheldon said, “A magnum opus, full of passionate yearning. It’s on the shortlist for first song at our wedding.”

“Well take it off the list,” Casey hissed. She stared at Sheldon, eyes haunted. “How did you even find it?”

“When Sam first met you, and it looked like you two might overcome Sam’s fear of commitment together” – he stopped and looked at Kendra, “this is before he met you, obviously.”

“Oh, obviously,” Kendra said.

“ – we really didn’t know anything about you. So I did what any concerned friend would do. I researched your past, and came across your deb” –

“Okay, I get it!” Casey said. “That’s enough! We don’t need to talk about it!”

Derek tilted his head to the side. “That’s interesting. You appear to be _embarrassed_ …but instead of _sharing_ your humiliation with your friends, you seem to be _hiding_ it.”

“Can you blame her?” Kendra said. “I mean, she has to live with that hair. Her life is hard enough as it is.”

“So – how did things end with Sally?” Emily asked.

Derek grimaced. “Actually…”

_“Yeah…so…Patrick has a higher GPA than you, and I really need to get good grades this semester. Sorry, Derek.”_

“And that was it,” Derek said. “It was embarrassing to fall for that kind of crappy manipulation, but…on the other hand, at least I got out before it was too late. Plus I learned a valuable lesson. Meanwhile, Patrick’s probably still chasing second base with a solitaire. Yeah. Good luck with that.” He drained his drink.

“Hey Derek,” Sam said, frowning as a thought suddenly struck him. “How does she know Marti and Edwin?”

Derek looked at him. “Huh?”

“She asked you to say hi to Marti and Edwin for her. Like she knew them. But, you never introduce girls to your family.”

“Uh…” the look on Derek’s face told them all they needed to know.

“You _lied_? That was all a _lie_? After Sam was brave enough to share his humiliating moment?” Casey crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but my opinion of you just got even lower.”

“Wow. It must be really bad,” Sheldon said. 

“You need to tell us!” Emily demanded. “…as concerned friends.”

“This must be really hard for Derek,” Sheldon said. “Maybe an ordinary humiliating story…just isn’t sufficient.” He took hold of Emily’s elbow, and stared into her eyes for a long moment. She blinked at him, but Sheldon seemed satisfied, nodding his head, and turning back to face Derek. “I’m man enough, and I have enough trust in the strength of your friendship…to tell the story of Emily’s mother and the Crisco.”

“Sheldon! No!” she grabbed his arm.

“Emily, pumpkin – we’re among friends,” Sheldon said. “And if it will help Derek to overcome his issues…” He cleared his throat.

Emily buried her face in her hands.

**_Kids…I can’t remember the story Uncle Sheldon told either. You know what they say – as you get older, your memory starts to go._ **

“…so, when Emily came home, she found her mother, trying to butter me out of the handcuffs,” Sheldon said.

He stopped speaking, and the silence practically echoed.

“How do you two even look at each other after that?” Kendra asked.

Sheldon smiled at Emily, and said, “You know, I think these kind of experiences bring us closer together.”

“Is it over yet?” Emily asked, face still hidden in her hands.

“Dude,” Sam said to Derek, gesturing at Sheldon, “Sheldon just bared all – kind of literally. You can’t let that go without giving something back.”

Derek took a deep breath, but couldn’t seem to dispute Sam’s words. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay. Maybe it didn’t happen exactly like that.”

 

*****

**_And, for the last time, your Uncle Derek began his story. And this time, it was the truth._ **

“Sally worked in the campus coffee shop, and she went to some of my classes, and – she was cool. So, I asked her out.”

_“Um, thanks, but…actually, I have a boyfriend. Patrick. He’s going to U of A, but we’re doing the long distance thing. But…we could be friends, if you want?”_

“And, since I saw her all the time, we kind of did end up hanging out together. Except…it kind of got confusing. Like the time Patrick didn’t come down for the Halloween Ball and she ended up going with me.”

_“Do you object to having two dates?”_

_“Not me, but – I think my first date does. She left.”_

_“Oh. Well – her loss. Now I get to have you all to myself.”_

“And – I don’t know…weird stuff kept happening, like…”

_“ – not going to visit this weekend either. So I hung up. I don’t need that in my life. It’s over. I need a guy who is sensitive and supportive and – and there for me. I need a guy like you, Derek.” She smiled, and held his gaze for a fraction of a second too long._

_“Um,” Derek said, as the hand she had placed on his shoulder slid up and down his arm._

_“You’re a really great guy, Derek,” she said, and kissed him._

“That doesn’t sound weird,” Casey said. “It sounds…romantic.”

“Yeah, right up until the morning after,” Derek said.

_He opened his door to see Sally on the other side, looking nervous._

_“Hey,” he said, smiling._

_“Derek. Hi,” she said. “I – um…can we talk?” She walked in. “Listen – about last night…”_

“So, it wasn’t over?” Emily guessed.

_“‘But it was just a kiss – we can still be friends, right? You’re really important to me, as a friend_ ,” Derek said.

“Ouch,” Sam said. 

“Except she kept having fights with Patrick, and venting to me, and there was that time we ended up rounding second base, and finally, I told her, ‘I can’t do this, anymore. You have to choose between us.’ And she said…”

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Yeah, that’s not really a choice, so much as you not making a choice.”_

_“I know. And I know this is a weird situation Derek, but – it is for me, too. I like you. I really do. But – I’ve been with Patrick for a really long time, and I know we’ve been going through a rough patch, but – I care about him, too.”_

_“Okay – still not a choice so much as a pro and con list.”_

_“Derek – this isn’t easy for me. Especially since – I don’t even know where I stand with you.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“Until lately, you really didn’t seem too bothered by the fact that I have a boyfriend. You went out on dates with all those girls” –_

_“Yeah – because you were dating your boyfriend!”_

_“Maybe I’m just a challenge for you. Are you still going to want to be with me if I leave Patrick? You want me to throw away this huge part of my life, when you’ve never even told me how you feel about me.”_

_Derek looked at her. “I – like you. You’re…cool.”_

_“That’s it? You want me to break up with Patrick because you think I’m ‘cool’?”_

_“What do you want me to say?”_

_“I don’t know. Something real. Something meaningful. This is really scary for me, Derek. If I’m going to do it, I need you to convince me – write me a poem, make up a song. I don’t know, just…let me know I’m doing the right thing taking a chance on us.”_

“ – so I wrote her the song, and she agreed to go out with me. Once I apologized for the song with flowers.”

“That was your original work?” Casey asked. She winced.

Derek glared at her. “Anyway, we dated for six months. I brought her home, introduced her to the family…we were going to tour Europe that summer...”

“So…what happened?” Sheldon asked.

“We didn’t,” Derek said. “We broke up.”

Everyone waited, but he didn’t say anything else.

“Come on, you can’t just leave it there,” Emily urged him. 

“Yeah, I can,” Derek said. “I think I’ve humiliated myself enough for today, and anyway, the story gets boring from here on out.”

“But that’s not the point,” Casey said, voice sincere, and sympathetic. Derek eyed her apprehensively. “The point is being able to share it, and to finally deal with your repressed feelings.”

“If you need another humiliating story, I’ll step up,” Emily said. “Um – there was that time” –

“We’ve just had a Sheldon special,” Derek interrupted. “We really don’t need another.”

Emily frowned. “Maybe my story’s not about Sheldon.”

Everyone waited.

“Okay, so it’s about Sheldon.”

“We could use another round,” Derek hinted.

“Yeah,” Emily said, a little absently. “I’ll get it.”

“Derek – I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re on the verge of a breakthrough here. You need to finish the story, and confront your feelings instead of burying them.”

“No, I don’t,” Derek told her. 

“Derek – repression is not emotionally healthy!”

“I don’t see you taking your own advice,” Derek said.

“What?”

“‘Your smile shows your heart, your eyes show your soul’?” he reminded her. “Seems like _someone_ wanted to bury that particular memory.”

He stared challengingly at Casey, who pressed her lips together and stared back. 

“Fine,” she said. “I will share my painful and humiliating experience, if you finish your story.”

Derek considered her. “I can guess – you wrote crappy songs in high school, and somehow Sheldon came across them. I don’t know if that’s worth it.”

Casey leaned forward on the table, and said, “You think _that’s_ my humiliating secret? Oh, it’s much, much better than that. As a matter of fact, it leaves your humiliation in the dust.”

Derek narrowed his eyes at her, but she held his gaze. “Come on,” she said enticingly. “I’ll show you mine, if you show us yours.”

Derek continued to eyeball her in silence, until, finally, “Okay.”

Casey sat back in the booth. 

“I’m waiting,” he said.

“Uh-uh,” she said, crossing her arms. “I’m not letting this kind of blackmail material out until you fulfill your end of the deal.”

Derek made a face. “Fine.”

“Wait a minute – I’ll get Emily,” Sam said, sliding out of the booth. Derek looked annoyed, but paused the story.

When Sam walked up to her, she was frowning at the drinks the bartender had placed in front of her.

“Are you ready?” Sam asked. “Thanks to Casey, Derek’s going to spill everything.”

Emily looked at him. “Do you think it’s weird that I don’t have any embarrassing ex stories?”

“What are you talking about?” Sam said. “That thing with the handcuffs and the Crisco was” –

“That’s not a _me_ story. It’s a Sheldon story. I have lots of Sheldon stories, but…I don’t have any other stories. I’m twenty-seven, and I don’t have any embarrassing ex stories. Don’t you think that’s pathetic?”

“Or lucky,” Sam pointed out.

“Or pathetic,” she repeated, drooping over the bar again.

Sam considered her, sadly contemplating the drinks, and he said, suddenly, “You look nice.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

He continued, “Do you want to go out tomorrow night?”

Emily shook her head. “I think we’re staying in tomorrow night.”

He worked a note of annoyance into his tone as he said, “You do this every time.”

Emily turned to him, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, when we first started dating, you were so much fun. I mean – I met you in a bar. But now it’s all, ‘we should stay in’. You never want to have fun anymore.”

Emily looked at him, and he nodded a little, encouraging her. A small smile spread across her face, before she straightened up, and said, “Oh yeah – well…someone has to be the sensible one! All you want to do is party – well, you can’t live your whole life like that!”

“Spoken like a true buzz-kill,” Sam said.

With an indignant sound, Emily grabbed one of the glasses of beer, and threw it in his face. There was a general gasp from the few people clustered around the bar. “You know what – we’re through,” she said, as she set down the glass and dusted off her palms. 

Sam wiped beer from his face, while the few people around the bar pretended not to be looking. “So, we broke up by causing a scene in a bar. Embarrassing enough for you?” he asked.

Emily smiled. “Thanks, Sam.”

 

*****

 

“So,” Derek said, when Sam and Emily sat down, clearly dying to get his story over with, “Sally and I were finally dating, and everything was going well. She got upset, we fought, I said sorry for doing whatever I had done to make her mad. We had a rhythm going.”

“Okay, I was her bitch,” he admitted. “But – we had been dating for six months, and in a couple of weeks, we were going to backpack around Europe. Things were working out. At least, that’s what I thought.”

_“Derek – we need to talk.”_

_“Can we just skip that, and I’ll just apologize for…whatever it is, instead?”_

_“Derek – this is important. Patrick called me last night.”_

_“And you hung up on him, right?”_

_“Right.”_

_“Great. Conversation over.”_

_“Except then he drove all the way from U of A to see me.”_

_“And you slammed the door in his face, right?”_

_“We ended up talking, and…”_

_“And?”_

_“And we kissed. I’m sorry. It was just one kiss, and I told him to leave right after, but…I think I still have feelings for him.”_

_“But – you’re dating me. You broke up with him to date me. You can’t still have feelings for him. That’s what ‘choosing’ means.”_

_“It’s complicated Derek. I’m really confused right now, and I think – I can’t go to Europe with you, Derek. Not like this. Not when I don’t even know how I feel.”_

“I thought it was another one of those ‘show me how you really feel’ deals,” Derek said. “So, when she called and asked me out to dinner, I thought she had finally picked me. But…”

_“ – don’t want to hurt you, but…it was just six months, right? It wasn’t anything serious.”_

_“…right.”_

_“And – we can still be friends.”_

_“Totally,” Patrick said, through a mouthful of steak. “And hey, man – thanks for the roses.”_

“She broke up with you while having dinner with her boyfriend?” Emily said.

“And that’s the story of how I totally humiliated myself for a girl, and learned that relationships are a complete waste of time.” He turned to Casey. “Your turn.”

“Derek, that’s not what you learned!” she said. “Clearly, your experience shows that you need to deal with your feelings, in order to move on. Also, you might say it, but really, you don’t think relationships are a waste of time.”

“Yeah, I do,” he said.

“No, you don’t,” Casey said softly. “If you _did_ , you wouldn’t have been so mad at Sally, because if relationships are a waste of time, then it’s not like she destroyed anything real. But she did, and you got hurt.” 

She looked at him. “And now, I think you need to take this opportunity to say goodbye to Sally and deal with that experience, so that you can finally move on, and find something real.”

“I don’t want something real,” Derek denied.

Slowly, carefully, as if she was petting a snake, Casey reached out and put her hand on his wrist. Everyone stared, including Derek, who hastily shook off her touch. “You owe me an embarrassing story,” he said, “And it had better be good.”

Casey sighed. “Okay,” she said. She closed her eyes. “Well, when I was a teenager, I lived with my dad in New York for a while. Anyway, I started dating this guy from school – Philip. We had just made it to our first monthaversary, when, for no reason at all, he broke up with me.”

“Did you mention the word ‘monthaversary’ to him?” Derek asked.

“ _Anyway_ , Dad was…busy, and I didn’t want to worry him, so I didn’t talk about it much. But…I had to deal with my feelings somehow – so I wrote some songs, recorded them, and uploaded them to my myspace. I…actually got a lot of attention, and I ended up signing a contract with a small independent record label."

"You got a record deal. _You_?" Derek repeated.

"I went on to release an album based on my experience, _Songs of Love and Heartbreak_.” She stopped. “I had to tour all these out of the way places, and I got stuff thrown at me. Everyone thought I was a total joke, my album flopped, and critics called me ‘laughably overwrought and ridiculously whiny.’”

“So, basically, they hated you for being you,” Derek said. “Wow. That _is_ embarrassing.”

“It all came to an end when the label dropped me.”

“Wow,” said Sam.

“Wow,” Emily echoed.

“Laughably overwrought?” Sheldon said. “Where are they getting that from? I thought your album was a no-holds-barred, impassioned examination of love.”

“Thanks, Sheldon,” Casey said.

“And that music video for ‘Two Halves that Make a Whole’ – I thought you demonstrated poise and elegance. And that’s not easy to do when you’re dressed up as a piece of a jigsaw puzzle.”

Casey smacked Sheldon’s hand hard, as Derek inquired, “There’s a video?”

Kendra turned to Sam and said, “Bet that crush is looking pretty embarrassing now, huh?”

 

*****

**_Honestly, your Uncle Derek’s story wasn’t the most humiliating story ever, and your Aunt Casey’s story was way more embarrassing. It wasn’t even particularly weird – well, except for the break-up dinner with the boyfriend part. That was a little weird. Apart from that, it was a pretty ordinary story. But – it was also a real story, and a painful one, and those are the hardest ones to work through. _ **

**_In the end, it turned out your Aunt Casey was right. He needed to tell this story in order to move on. Your Uncle Derek still likes to deny that he ever takes her advice. But – if that were true, he wouldn’t have done what he did next._ **

It was later that night, and Emily and Sheldon were curled up on the couch – Sheldon dozing, head resting on her shoulder, when there was a knock on the door. Emily carefully pushed Sheldon away and went to answer it.

Derek stood on the other side of the door. “I need you to come with me.”

“What?” she said.

“I need you to show me where Sally lives.”

As Emily looked at him, a lot of questions occurred to her. But all she said was, “Okay.” She turned back, but Sheldon had already stretched out in his sleep, taking advantage of the Emily free couch.

She grabbed her coat from the hook next to the door.

 

*****

 

When Derek knocked on Sally’s door, Emily asked, “Do you want me to…oh, who am I kidding – I’m not going anywhere.”

They both stayed silent at the sound of the deadbolt being drawn, and then Sally was standing there. “Derek?” she said, crossing her arms. “What are you” –

“I just wanted to say that – I do remember you,” he said.

Sally looked at him. “Okay,” she said. "And...?"

“And I haven’t changed.”

“Really?” she said. “You could have fooled me, because you really don’t seem like the same guy I used to know. Which is a shame, because I missed him.”

“You missed me?” Derek asked.

“No. I missed _that_ guy. What happened to him?”

Derek shrugged. “Turns out he was this guy all along.” He stared at her for a long moment.

Sally seemed to get the message. “Then I guess I was missing someone who never existed.” 

“Guess so,” Derek said.

She stepped inside her door, and said, “Goodbye, Derek.”

Just before it shut, he told her, “Goodbye, Sally.”

He stared at the closed door for a second, before turning back to Emily and saying, “We can go now.”

Emily nodded. As they walked down the hallway, she said, conversationally, “You know, I don’t think she knew you that well.”

“Yeah,” Derek agreed. “She really fell for the act.”

“I meant because she couldn’t see those two guys are the same. Both of them.” Emily said. 

Derek didn’t look at her, but he let her catch hold of his hand for a moment. 

 

*****

 

**_“And that was the story of your Uncle Derek’s first real relationship. But funnily enough, even though they said goodbye, he and Sally did end up meeting each other again – as a matter of fact, your Uncle Sheldon acted as best man at their wedding.”_ **

**_ “What?” _ **

**_“What?”_ **

**_“Um…a little explanation, Dad?”_ **

**_“Oh, yeah, right. Well, he couldn’t ask me to be best man, because at the time, I was really mad at him. As a matter of fact, I had broken his nose a couple of weeks before.”_ **

**_“…”_ **

**_“…”_ **

**_“Seriously – can’t you just skip to the part where you met Mom?”_ **


End file.
